Old men and throwing up are my life now.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
