At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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