She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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