WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
