The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
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