Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
