u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Randomize
