When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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