and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
