my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
