Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
