I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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