I just threw up on my dentist
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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