i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
