Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
