Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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