I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
