I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
