just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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