They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
