How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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