I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
