the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
