I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Randomize
