my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Randomize
