Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
