Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Randomize
