haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
