I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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