got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
