I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
