apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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