1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
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