i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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