you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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