the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
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