Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Randomize
