My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
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