I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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