i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
