So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
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