Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
