We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
