my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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