if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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