Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
