Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Randomize
