Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
