"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
We got so high we made milksteak
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
