I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
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