She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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