I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
