A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
