Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
