then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
