overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
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