if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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