...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
