I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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